Life has taken an extraordinary hiatus as we have reflected on and mourned the loss of Queen Elizabeth II.
Now it is back to business as usual – and the royal family continue to grieve their mum, granny and great granny in the public eye. Not an enviable position, whatever you happen to think of the royal family.
A wise grief coach friend says that on average, people are given approximately 6 months to grieve for a major loss before life expects them to have ‘moved on’, ‘got over it’ or whatever other stock phrase might be rolled out.
This is really tough.
Grief goes on and catches you off guard and changes shape over days, weeks, months, years. It isn’t something we get over, but something that we learn to live alongside. The space it takes in our lives possibly starts to shrink but who is to say how long this takes. Tough to be living in the public eye and to be continuing this grief walk.
How does this fit in with the musings here of late on the approach of autumn and the resetting of intentions and habits?
It may well be the case that you have known grief and loss over the past months and years, especially during the Covid pandemic. I am at a certain age when more and more of our friends are facing the death of a parent – sometimes suddenly, sometimes after a long decline. Both are hard for different reasons.
Grief is so discombobulating.
It takes up a lot of space and energy in our heads, leaving us with diminished mental capacity for normal decision making. Richard Coles talks of this in his book, The Madness of Grief. He described an incident where he went to the shop to buy some hand cream for the nurses in hospital and came out with three types of parmesan.
So as we approach this season of autumn, it is important to stop and reflect on where you are in your own life, and what it is that you most need.
This will be different from anyone else around you, and that is an important recognition. Sometimes we can suffer from need hierarchy – the needs of a friend we know who is having a really hard time are much greater and more significant, and therefore we squash ours down and pay them no heed. This serves no one.
Self awareness as always is key here.
What does a reset for autumn of your habits look like?
If you are someone who is in a period of loss, transition or sadness, then I encourage you to think about what habits would serve you well in terms of providing pockets of rest, reflection and calm. Good habits for dealing with grief.
Maybe you are excited about all that this autumn holds for you and enjoying all the freedoms we now have after two long awful years of pandemic restrictions. I encourage you to consider what habits will serve you well and give the energy and focus you need.
Whatever life situation you are in, life goes on. Whether in the midst of grief, or a new job, or an exsisting job and a busy term with many commitments, there is always the Stuff of Life to deal with. It can be a tricky balance to get right – dealing with any extra demands on you emotionally and mentally that this season might hold, with the normal stuff of life which never stops or goes away.
There is no right or wrong. This is about knowing yourself and knowing what you need.
Habits like exercise, switching off tech at a certain time, a regular catch up with a friend, a hobby or activity that takes us out of ourselves for a sweet hour. These are small, simple things that can make a big difference. Good grief habits of reflection, allowing extra time and creating bigger margins, time simply to be.
We need to be intentional about creating these habits and sticking to them. More on this next time.